Day 31: Sunset

Wow! I can't believe it's been 31 days already and now the end of this photo challenge. This photo #nofilter was the very first sunset that we watched after Mary passed away. This was in one of our favorite spots to watch the sunset over Lake Michigan. It was so beautiful! I know that Mary made it extra special for us and for Walt's very first sunset. As I watch the leaves fall and the sun set on another day, I am reminded that it is just one day more that I am away from Mary. Someone reminded me, however, that I am also one day closer to seeing her again... And that is something I can be excited about. This photo challenge has been incredibly healing for me. I'm going to miss it. It was a chance for me to show all the love I have for Mary and just how much she means to me. I miss her every day and every day is filled with different challenges. This photo challenge helped me to capture that and forced me to say the things I couldn't say. I appreciate the kindness and understanding as I opened up about losing Mary this month. She is my baby girl and every day is difficult without her but the love we receive from family and friends helps, even the slightest bit, to ease some of the pain. 

"I'll find you in the morning sun

And when the night is new

I'll be looking at the moon

But I'll be seeing you" I miss you. I love you, sweet girl! I'll be seeing you.

Day 30: Growth

I have grown in a lot of ways; some good, some bad. No question, I am not the same person I was 6 months ago. There is an innocence that I've lost. I have lost a lot of sympathy for other people and their trivial woes. Sometimes I feel bad that I don't feel bad. I think the bigger issue is that I've come to realize what is truly important, meaningful and good and what I used to think was, has now exponentially diminished. I don't take any day or moment for granted. I have lost a huge tolerance for people complaining about their pregnancy; if it results in a healthy baby or rather a baby at all, be happy and embrace it for the sheer miracle it is. I have lost and am getting back to growing in my faith. I'm in a place I never thought I'd be but I am learning to accept it as our new-- much sadder but much more appreciative--reality.

Day 29: Healing

What has had the most healing impact? Really, having Kevin by my side to hold me, cry with me, listen to me and share our dreams, fears and hopes has made all the difference. Prayer has also been a huge factor in healing along this journey through grief. Additionally, this photo challenge has been very healing for me as well.

Day 28: Special Place

We have a few special places. First is what was supposed to be the twins' bedroom. I have a super comfy rocker that I got so I could rock both of them to sleep. I still feel like that is a very special place for the three of us. The other is up north on the lake that she was named after. I had so many visions of taking her up there. It has always been a very special place for our whole family which is why she was given that middle name. My parents also bought the babies a brick in the park up north. It is right beside my grandparents' brick. I believe she knows them well and they are taking great care of her. Of course, the other very special place is where she was buried. It's beautiful and I always feel close to her there.

Day 27: Signs

One of the many signs that make me think of Mary is bumblebees. I never really liked bees (who does?) but the week after Mary's funeral I visited her grave every day. Every day there was this little bee hovering just above the grass that wouldn't leave Mary's little area. I think with her dark hair and yellow cardigan, it's only fitting that she sends us signs as little bees. I feel her in everything, though. A change in the breeze, the sun peaking out from behind a cloud, really anything beautiful I see as a sign from Mary that she's happy, having fun and watching over us.

Day 26: Community

The community of loss mothers is a community no one ever wants to be in.  However, it is the one place people can understand and relate to all of the crazy things that you go through when grieving your child.

Day 25: #SayItOutLoud

Losing a child is different from any other loss.  It's not the loss of good times or a wonderful past or present.  It's the loss of a future. It's the loss of your hopes and dreams. It is having your future in your hands and having it slip away. It is the loss of innocence. It is the brutal awakening that a healthy pregnancy does not mean you get a healthy baby. It is the loss of everything you thought you knew... Because parents are not supposed to bury their children.

Day 24: Artwork

The first is a beautiful piece of "art" that my dad made. He made me a special wooden box to keep Mary's things in. We had so many keepsakes and her hospital things that deserved a special home. The bottom photo is some of the wonderful drawings that Mary's cousins made for her. They are so special to us.

Day 23: Jewelry

I have a few wonderful pieces. First, my ring that has 2 emerald hearts on it (the babies' birth stone). It's beautiful and my parents gave it to me right after Mary passed away. I alternate between my 2 necklaces (depending on my mood). The first one "forever in my heart" with an "m" inside was given to me by my dear friend. I love wearing it. I also received a broken heart necklace with Mary's name on it from August Wings. The other necklace was given to me by my mom's cousins while we were still in the hospital. I like that it has the babies' birth stone and tiny footprints for each of them. There is also "faith" and "family" tags that share everything that is important to me.

Day 22: Words

These words continue to stick in my head. No matter what I do, "I carry your heart with me(I carry it in my heart)" are the truest words that I could ever say to Mary. Though she isn't here with me physically, my heart is full of love for her. "You are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you".

Day 21: Honor

I bought a ton of the "Mommy, Please Don't Cry" books since they brought us so much comfort. Knowing what we were given at the hospital when everything was so raw and unreal, I think this book would have been nice to receive. I wrote a special note and "in memory of our sweet girl, Mary Glen" in each of the books and gave them to the NICU to give to other parents who lose a child. I feel good knowing that Mary's memory will live on by bringing other people even a little comfort and peace that their little one is in such a wonderful place.

Day 20: Hope

I hope this gets easier. I hope we can learn to live with Mary in our hearts instead of in our arms. I hope we can keep her memory alive and make her proud. I hope no one else has to go through this. Unfortunately, I know it will happen so my hope is that they can receive the support needed to find the hope to get through this.

Day 19: Support

This has undoubtedly been the worst time in my life but I am thankful for the support of my family. My husband has been there to laugh with me, cry with me and share memories. The grief share emails have also been very helpful. I have found a tremendous amount of support from you ladies. Just knowing I'm not alone and can go to people who know what I'm going through has been so helpful!

Day 18: Release

Oh, so many feelings I need to release. Every day is a struggle getting past the hopelessness, fear, regret, jealousy, anger and guilt. The two that are probably most prominent are anger and guilt. I find myself constantly getting angry thinking, "why us?"! I hate that none of these feelings were ever on my mind 5.5 months ago.

Day 17: Time

It has been 168 Days, 6 hours and 16 minutes since we lost Mary. 14,537,760 seconds have passed and I have missed her in every single one. Some days it feels like just yesterday and other days it feels like an eternity since I last saw her/held her/kissed her.

Day 16: Seasons

Spring will always remind me of my Mary. The babies were born in early spring (although they were due in late summer). The day we came home from the hospital everything was in full bloom. Our tulips were up and our beautiful flowering tree was so pink! The world was full of so much color and beauty and life when we were not.

Day 15: Wave Of Light

Today is the day to create the wave of light across the world by everyone lighting a candle at 7pm for our angel babies.  It was hard, but I felt her. We talked to her and told her we missed her and watched the flame burn for an hour. God, I miss her so much! I don't want to have to light a candle for her, I want to hold her!

Day 14: Family

This is us now...just without my sweet Mary. I know these pictures should make me happy but I have such a heart-stopping reaction when I see them and remember that we have one little baby instead of two. When I see him, I think about how similar his twin sister would look right now and it continues to break my heart.

Day 13: Book

This book, "Mommy, Please Don't Cry" was given to me by my Pastor after he read it at Mary's funeral. He and his wife had lost a daughter years ago and said that it had helped them a lot. It's a beautiful book that talks about how wonderful heaven is from a child's perspective.

Day 12: Article

This article has helped me because failure is a constant feeling for me now.  This article really puts into words a lot of the thoughts that I have been struggling with and telling me "it's ok."

http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/06/why-you-didnt-fail-as-a-mother/

Day 11: Triggers

Most everything is a trigger nowadays.
Super pregnant women: because I never got to be.
Twins: It's so hard to see twins because I think about all that we are missing after all of our dreams of the two of them.
Princesses: because I know Mary would have loved them!
Girly things: all things bows and ruffles hurt so bad to see because I know she would have looked so cute and would always wear super Girly things.
Mommy/daughter things:  Even just seeing moms with their daughters hurts. I think of all those fun things that I was planning to do with my sweet girl.

Day 10: Beliefs

All of this has really forced me to question my beliefs...mostly "why?" And "how?".

Why us?

Why her?

How did God let this happen?

What remains true for me: God exists. Heaven exists. Mary is an angel in heaven watching over us and especially her brother. I used to picture her laying on her side with her head propped up on her hand eating an apple on top of Walter's isolette saying, "I got this, mom!". It brings me comfort to think Mary is with her great-grandparents and that we will get to see her again when we get there.

Day 9: Music

I always find a lot of comfort in music. It seems like even when I can't make sense of things, there is a song that says everything I need to say. 

This first song brings me comfort knowing that even though I can't right now, I will get to see Mary again.  Everything in this song is what I would want to say to her. 

"I will see you again. This is not where it ends. I'll carry you with me 'till I see you again." 

This song I used to sing to Mary when she was still in my belly. I also included lyrics from this song on the memorial cards I made for her funeral. 

"When the day is gray and ordinary, Mary makes the sun shine bright. Happiness is bloomin' all around her. The daffodils are smiling at the dove. When Mary holds your hand you feel so grand. Your heart starts beating like a big brass band."

Day 8: Color

I don't know why but after Mary passed away Kevin and I both pictured her in a yellow cardigan with pearl buttons and a Peter Pan collar.  She never wore this, but I think since we both had visions of her in this, that was her way of showing herself to us from heaven.

Day 7: You Now

Every day there is progress. There are many days where I am so full of love for Walter I feel like I could bust but then there is this huge gaping hole that leaves me yearning for Mary.

Day 6: Rituals

Every night before bed I talk to Mary. Before I go to sleep I tell her to meet me in my dreams for something fun.  We've played dress up, gone up north, had a tea party, gone to Disney. Every night is different.  I don't remember my dreams, but I know she meets me there.

Day 5: Memory

One of my favorite memories of Mary was during one of our many ultrasounds. I saw her finally kick Walter back after he had kicked her. I knew then that she would be able to handle him and take care of herself.

Day 4: Legacy

Walter is Mary's legacy. He is the one she watches over and the one she protects.  Through him, we get to watch her grow.  I know that her strength is what got him through his 75 day NICU stay and every day since.  

Day 3: Myth

The truth is: I want to talk about her. She wasn't here with us for long but that's exactly why I don't ever want to avoid talking about her. I don't want anyone to forget that she was here. She existed. She lived. You talking about her isn't going to hurt. It's not a reminder that she isn't here. You talking about her isn't going to suddenly make me think of her. She's all I think about. 

Day 2: Identity

Mary Glen
Born May 2, 2013 at 4:20 PM
Weighing 14.67 oz and 11 in. long
She had the cutest dimple on her chin and tons of dark hair. She was always so sweet and never gave me any trouble. Her brother was constantly kicking her in my belly and she would just put her arms up to block her face.  After she was born she would just throw her long skinny arms over her face. She as just so sweet.

Day 1: Sunrise

Photo by: Neil Weaver Photography

Ok, I did not take this picture this morning but this is the sunrise over Glen Lake: the lake Mary Glen was name after. This is our refuge, our escape, our safe haven. It only seems fitting that I posted a beautiful sunrise from the lake to kickoff this photo challenge with a beautiful shot of our favorite place. It's a new month, a new challenge and the beginning of a new year for me...today's my birthday. I pray this new month brings us healing.