(Featured on Pregnancy After Loss Support)
It has not been a secret that “getting pregnant” does not come easy for us. We conceived the twins using fertility treatments and we knew that we would have the same issue if/when we decided to try again. The risk of multiples, prematurity, and neonatal death are very real to us. After living through all of it, the fear of any of that happening again was very overwhelming.
After Mary died we felt right away that we wanted another baby. I think for a lot of loss parents, that feeling creeps up pretty instantly. Sure, in the beginning it’s fairly irrational. You just want a baby back in your belly because there should still be one there! As time goes on, it becomes less of a “give me my baby back!” and more of a “help heal my heart!” desire. It’s not that we think a new baby can “replace” Mary or “fix” our struggle. However, everything in my heart and my mind is telling me that I’m supposed to have two babies here with me.
We know that without her here, our family will never be complete but at the same time… We know that we could feel a bit closer to complete than we do now. We’ll never be able to fill those memories that we didn’t get to have with Mary; her first smile, her first steps, her first words. The pain of missing every day with her is always very real. We are aware that, because we miss those so much, we long to experience those moments again, with another child.
We knew within a few months after losing Mary that we should start trying again because, like the first time, it would be a long process. After lots of appointments with specialists and consultations with high risk pregnancy doctors, we were feeling confident in our plan and their support to try again. Of course, the stress and anxiety of every failed cycle was tough. It was actually harder this time around because it just felt like, “come on, can’t we catch a break? We’ve already had to lose one baby and now we can’t even make another one!”
After a good 15-16 months, we were finally pregnant. We were ecstatic…but terrified. We now know the reality of loss and there is no such thing as a guarantee of a baby at the end of all of this. Being pregnant after loss is way more difficult than I would’ve imagined. There is no innocence left, no naïveté; just fear and hope. I sometimes just have to awkwardly laugh to myself when I see other pregnant women celebrating “V Day” or reaching the infamous 24 week “viability” mark…As if that means anything. Mary died at 25 weeks gestation and through this journey, I have met incredible mamas who have lost their babies at 28 weeks, 31 weeks, 36 weeks, 40 weeks, 41 weeks. I know there is no safety, there is no guarantee and I have been forced to see that and live that first-hand.
Every little thing in this pregnancy is filled with fear; every ache, every pain, every strange pregnancy feeling all make me want to run to the doctor. At 23 weeks, I had already had at least 10 ultrasounds and that still didn’t seem like enough. I don’t feel like I can trust my body anymore. I don’t trust that I will know if something is wrong. I don’t trust that my body can carry this baby to term. I try every day to cling to prayer and God’s promise that He will carry us through and bring this baby safely home with us. However, the doubt and the very real fear of our past repeating itself always seem to creep in. Sure, some may say that clearly my faith isn’t strong enough but after Mary died, I’ve had to rebuild a lot of that trust and belief and I am much stronger than I was almost 2 years ago.
Trying to conceive after loss and pregnancy after loss are two of the most difficult things (aside from actually losing a child) that a mother can go through. It takes an insane amount of strength, courage, desire and love. If you have found yourself in this situation currently or in the past, I commend you, mama! You are so strong! If you have not been through it personally but know someone who has or is… I beg of you, please be kind to her and recognize how much courage she has to take this chance again after what she’s gone through.
