Although there were a few similarities– labor spontaneously started early (this time at a much later/safer gestation) and labor progressed insanely fast– I wanted everything with this labor and delivery to be different from last time.
I wanted new doctors in a new hospital.
I wanted to call family on the way to the hospital to let them know we were about to have a baby.
I wanted to feel like my baby was ready to safely enter this world.
I wanted to have a name prepared to call him when he came out.
I wanted to have the house ready and a hospital bag packed. One thing I unintentionally packed in that hospital bag was a whole lotta fear!
I wanted new doctors in a new hospital.
I wanted to call family on the way to the hospital to let them know we were about to have a baby.
I wanted to feel like my baby was ready to safely enter this world.
I wanted to have a name prepared to call him when he came out.
I wanted to have the house ready and a hospital bag packed. One thing I unintentionally packed in that hospital bag was a whole lotta fear!
The thing I wasn’t expecting was that, oddly enough, there was more fear this time. Although I went into labor at exactly 25 weeks last time, I was strangely calm and not very fearful. I knew my babies would have some hardships and struggles, but the thought of death really didn’t cross my mind. Sure, I knew that there was a 50/50 chance of survival, but I wasn’t going to lose a baby. That wasn’t my story. That happens to someone else, not me. Oh, to be that naive again!
This time around, I was in the delivery room so afraid. Why? I don’t know! I guess because now I am the woman whose baby died. That is my story now. It’s my reality and it happens. It happens in the most traumatic and unexpected way. Was that going to continue to be my story? Would I be the one people say “oh, did you hear… She lost ANOTHER baby?” I now know that most awful and horrendous pain of birthing a baby you don’t get to keep…the pain of saying goodbye. I couldn’t do it again. How could I handle that? That was where the loads and loads of fear came from.
The first time around, although I should have been afraid I wasn’t because I wasn’t exactly sure what to be afraid of. This time, however, I know what every second feels like. I know the heart stopping moment when the doctor tells you the baby you created is dead. I know what the days, weeks and months following feel like and how peeling yourself out of bed is the greatest daily victory. I know the intensity of the pain and I couldn’t even imagine having to stack that onto the pain that already exists in my heart after losing my daughter two years ago.
Although this birth was clearly less traumatic, the fear hung out and slept with us (ok, I didn’t sleep, but my husband did) in the hospital. It lingered in the curtain and in the beeping of the fetal monitor. It crept through the room with the most irrational stories of freak accidents and things gone awry. That was until that final push and the doctor placing a crying baby on my chest. He’s alive and he’s here. He was ours and we can keep him. We will bring this one home! And we did! The next afternoon we brought home a new beautiful life! As disappointed as I was at myself for not keeping the fear at bay, I did my best and that is all any of us can ask for!
