I’ve been spending a lot of time resting in this ugly brown chair as I recover from surgery; it’s the only place I can get comfortable. As I sat there last night, trying to sleep, I had a vivid flashback to the other times I would sleep in this chair.
We bought this chair almost 6 years ago now. After we found out we were having twins, I knew I needed a big comfy chair because I pictured myself spending hours rocking and feeding two babies. We went to the store to pick one out and I remember not caring at all what it looked like but knowing that it needed to have wide, soft arms. I sat in the showroom of the store with my growing belly and put my arms up as if I was holding the babies and thought, “this will be perfect”.
Before I knew it, the chair wasn’t needed anymore as the babies had come into this world too early and now Mary was gone. There was now only one baby and he was stuck in the NICU. The months that followed their birth, I reluctantly ended up in the chair. I slept in the chair many nights as I set my pumping station up there. Without a baby home to feed all night, I would still be up pumping every couple hours and calling the NICU. I would lay in the chair wide awake at 4 am and stare out the window wondering how this was our life. I wondered how anything would ever be ok again. I cried. Oh, there were so many tears shed in that chair.
Today, there is pain in my belly from a missing organ. Five and a half years ago there was pain in my belly from my missing babies. Although no physical wound then, the pain now is nothing compared to that.
I’ve realized most of my worst nights have been spent in the ugly brown chair. There have been many nights of pain, both physical and emotional. When Walter came home from the NICU, I spent the first few weeks sleeping in this chair in his room since the line from his oxygen tank wouldn’t stretch far enough for him to be in any other room. I’ve stayed up in the chair with a sick baby propped up on my chest all night. And now I sit here as my kids try to gently snuggle with me and help bring me snacks. This chair has seen a lot of pain but also a lot of recovery... a lot of hurt but a lot of love. So. Much. Love.
