Mary didn't get to live her life.
As much as I hate everything about that sentence, that means we need to live our lives for her.
It hurts so much that we don't know all that much about her.
We'll never get to know her favorite food (I'm guessing chocolate like her brother).
We'll never get to meet her best friends at school or her favorite teachers.
We'll never get to see what sports or activities she would do (although I just know she would love to dance).
We'll never get to see her get dressed up for her first school dance.
We'll never get to see the man she would pick to marry.
What we do know...
-She was BEAUTIFUL!! She had so much dark hair (just like the rest of us) and the cutest dimple chin!
-She was so patient and sweet! We got to see her on ultrasounds every week and Walter would be kicking her and punching her and she was always so calm. She would usually just put her hands up to block her face.
-She was tough! Although so kind to her brother, one day she did finally kick back! Now, I wouldn't normally condone violence but I was very proud of her for that!
-She also fought so hard! Every week in my belly she had less and less fluid but she held on so we could meet her and although much too brief, she held on for a day and a half.
-She is loved soooo much!!!
I hate that she was robbed of this life, that we were robbed of her precious life.
Since she can't be here, we are going to fight so hard to make sure that her kindness, beauty and love is shared with this world.
We are excited to see random acts done in Mary's memory in hopes that next Sunday, on the anniversary of the worst day of our lives, the kindness, beauty and love shared in Mary's memory will make the world a little brighter.
As we approach the twins' first birthday, the anxiety is overwhelming. Instead of the pure joy and excitement that should come with a first birthday, I find fear, sadness, regret and emptiness added in. Don't get me wrong, I am so glad that I get to throw a birthday party at all. However, this party should be for TWO. We should have "boy things "and "girl things", blue and pink, Mickey and Minnie.
Missing Mary has become part of our daily lives but there are certain days that just hurt more than normal. We now approach what was, last year at this time, just two meaningless dates and they are now the two most meaningful dates of our lives. First is the day that was filled with so much fear, uncertainty, yet still hope...the day the babies were born 3.5 months too early. Second is the day that all of our hopes were crushed; the day our innocence was lost, the day we lost our Mary.
It's so hard thinking what we were doing at this time last year. We still had so many dreams, so many laughs, everything positive. I know that once we hit those two important dates this year, every other "what were we doing at this time last year?" will be filled with the sorrow that now fills the hole in our hearts.
As difficult as it is, I want to celebrate their special day. I know it sounds awful but, we will never have any other "firsts" for Mary. The only really meaningful dates we have for her are her birth and death. We'll never take note and celebrate her first smile, her first tooth, her first steps, her first day of school, her first kiss, her graduation, her wedding. Her birthday is the only day we have to celebrate her. Yes, we "celebrate" her every day, but there's nothing like a birthday. It's an extra special day, a day for not just us but everyone to celebrate her.
I'm trying hard to make this birthday and party include her. She deserves so much more than just a mention as Walter's twin. She was a beautiful girl who should be here with us celebrating. Since she can't physically be here, I want to take extra care to make sure she feels our love and celebration on that day!
