One Piece of Advice

Someone recently asked me what my one piece of advice would be for new parents. “Crap!” I thought, “I am clearly not the person to ask about how to be a good parent.” I’m not even sure what I said to answer that question but thinking back on it now, I think I know how I’d answer. It is simply this: “This is the most important work you’ll ever do. You’ll never feel like you’re doing it right but you’ll always do your best. This is the only job that truly matters.”

I realized I was not asked how to be a “good” parent but rather what to say to a new parent. I don’t know that anyone always feels like they’re doing a great job. Sure, we have those moments where you think, “damn, I’m good” but those come less often than the moments of “where did I go wrong?”.

I think as mothers who do not get to parent all of our children here on earth, we can be much harder on ourselves. As much as we can keep telling ourselves that we didn’t fail, there’s often that little thought that can sneak in and remind us of our ultimate failure to keep all of our children. We know it’s not our fault and we did nothing wrong but still feel incomplete as a parent.

Losing my daughter has taught me what is truly important in this world. I know that I parent differently now because of her. I’m not going to worry that the high chair tray doesn’t get wiped down right after a meal. That’s not a failure. I don’t care that the laundry may sit unfolded for a few days (or maybe not even make it out of the dryer). That’s not a failure. I won’t be bothered that I had to carry my son out of the store kicking and screaming because he wanted to climb the mannequin. That’s not a failure.

Even on the days that I can get down on myself that things aren’t going right, I know that I am doing my best in that moment. Some days my best is just getting out of bed. The grief can magnify every little issue or disappointment into something huge if you let it (believe me, I have let it so many times). So my advice to parents, especially those parenting after loss, is that this is the most important work you’ll ever do. You’ll never feel like you’re doing it right but you’ll always do your best. This is the only job that truly matters.