Twin Party For One

As we approach the twins' first birthday, the anxiety is overwhelming.  Instead of the pure joy and excitement that should come with a first birthday, I find fear, sadness, regret and emptiness added in.  Don't get me wrong, I am so glad that I get to throw a birthday party at all.  However, this party should be for TWO.  We should have "boy things "and "girl things", blue and pink, Mickey and Minnie.

Missing Mary has become part of our daily lives but there are certain days that just hurt more than normal.  We now approach what was, last year at this time, just two meaningless dates and they are now the two most meaningful dates of our lives.  First is the day that was filled with so much fear, uncertainty, yet still hope...the day the babies were born 3.5 months too early.  Second is the day that all of our hopes were crushed; the day our innocence was lost, the day we lost our Mary.

It's so hard thinking what we were doing at this time last year. We still had so many dreams, so many laughs, everything positive.  I know that once we hit those two important dates this year, every other "what were we doing at this time last year?" will be filled with the sorrow that now fills the hole in our hearts.

As difficult as it is, I want to celebrate their special day.  I know it sounds awful but, we will never have any other "firsts" for Mary.  The only really meaningful dates we have for her are her birth and death.  We'll never take note and celebrate her first smile, her first tooth, her first steps, her first day of school, her first kiss, her graduation, her wedding.  Her birthday is the only day we have to celebrate her.  Yes, we "celebrate" her every day, but there's nothing like a birthday.  It's an extra special day, a day for not just us but everyone to celebrate her.

I'm trying hard to make this birthday and party include her. She deserves so much more than just a mention as Walter's twin. She was a beautiful girl who should be here with us celebrating.  Since she can't physically be here, I want to take extra care to make sure she feels our love and celebration on that day!