Day 31: Sunset

Wow! I can't believe it's been 31 days already and now the end of this photo challenge. This photo #nofilter was the very first sunset that we watched after Mary passed away. This was in one of our favorite spots to watch the sunset over Lake Michigan. It was so beautiful! I know that Mary made it extra special for us and for Walt's very first sunset. As I watch the leaves fall and the sun set on another day, I am reminded that it is just one day more that I am away from Mary. Someone reminded me, however, that I am also one day closer to seeing her again... And that is something I can be excited about. This photo challenge has been incredibly healing for me. I'm going to miss it. It was a chance for me to show all the love I have for Mary and just how much she means to me. I miss her every day and every day is filled with different challenges. This photo challenge helped me to capture that and forced me to say the things I couldn't say. I appreciate the kindness and understanding as I opened up about losing Mary this month. She is my baby girl and every day is difficult without her but the love we receive from family and friends helps, even the slightest bit, to ease some of the pain. 

"I'll find you in the morning sun

And when the night is new

I'll be looking at the moon

But I'll be seeing you" I miss you. I love you, sweet girl! I'll be seeing you.

Day 30: Growth

I have grown in a lot of ways; some good, some bad. No question, I am not the same person I was 6 months ago. There is an innocence that I've lost. I have lost a lot of sympathy for other people and their trivial woes. Sometimes I feel bad that I don't feel bad. I think the bigger issue is that I've come to realize what is truly important, meaningful and good and what I used to think was, has now exponentially diminished. I don't take any day or moment for granted. I have lost a huge tolerance for people complaining about their pregnancy; if it results in a healthy baby or rather a baby at all, be happy and embrace it for the sheer miracle it is. I have lost and am getting back to growing in my faith. I'm in a place I never thought I'd be but I am learning to accept it as our new-- much sadder but much more appreciative--reality.

Day 29: Healing

What has had the most healing impact? Really, having Kevin by my side to hold me, cry with me, listen to me and share our dreams, fears and hopes has made all the difference. Prayer has also been a huge factor in healing along this journey through grief. Additionally, this photo challenge has been very healing for me as well.

Day 28: Special Place

We have a few special places. First is what was supposed to be the twins' bedroom. I have a super comfy rocker that I got so I could rock both of them to sleep. I still feel like that is a very special place for the three of us. The other is up north on the lake that she was named after. I had so many visions of taking her up there. It has always been a very special place for our whole family which is why she was given that middle name. My parents also bought the babies a brick in the park up north. It is right beside my grandparents' brick. I believe she knows them well and they are taking great care of her. Of course, the other very special place is where she was buried. It's beautiful and I always feel close to her there.

Day 27: Signs

One of the many signs that make me think of Mary is bumblebees. I never really liked bees (who does?) but the week after Mary's funeral I visited her grave every day. Every day there was this little bee hovering just above the grass that wouldn't leave Mary's little area. I think with her dark hair and yellow cardigan, it's only fitting that she sends us signs as little bees. I feel her in everything, though. A change in the breeze, the sun peaking out from behind a cloud, really anything beautiful I see as a sign from Mary that she's happy, having fun and watching over us.

Day 26: Community

The community of loss mothers is a community no one ever wants to be in.  However, it is the one place people can understand and relate to all of the crazy things that you go through when grieving your child.

Day 25: #SayItOutLoud

Losing a child is different from any other loss.  It's not the loss of good times or a wonderful past or present.  It's the loss of a future. It's the loss of your hopes and dreams. It is having your future in your hands and having it slip away. It is the loss of innocence. It is the brutal awakening that a healthy pregnancy does not mean you get a healthy baby. It is the loss of everything you thought you knew... Because parents are not supposed to bury their children.