The Ugly Brown Chair

I’ve been spending a lot of time resting in this ugly brown chair as I recover from surgery; it’s the only place I can get comfortable.  As I sat there last night, trying to sleep, I had a vivid flashback to the other times I would sleep in this chair. 

We bought this chair almost 6 years ago now. After we found out we were having twins, I knew I needed a big comfy chair because I pictured myself spending hours rocking and feeding two babies. We went to the store to pick one out and I remember not caring at all what it looked like but knowing that it needed to have wide, soft arms. I sat in the showroom of the store with my growing belly and put my arms up as if I was holding the babies and thought, “this will be perfect”. 

Before I knew it, the chair wasn’t needed anymore as the babies had come into this world too early and now Mary was gone.  There was now only one baby and he was stuck in the NICU.  The months that followed their birth, I reluctantly ended up in the chair.  I slept in the chair many nights as I set my pumping station up there. Without a baby home to feed all night, I would still be up pumping every couple hours and calling the NICU. I would lay in the chair wide awake at 4 am and stare out the window wondering how this was our life.  I wondered how anything would ever be ok again.  I cried. Oh, there were so many tears shed in that chair.  

Today, there is pain in my belly from a missing organ.  Five and a half years ago there was pain in my belly from my missing babies.  Although no physical wound then, the pain now is nothing compared to that.  

I’ve realized most of my worst nights have been spent in the ugly brown chair. There have been many nights of pain, both physical and emotional. When Walter came home from the NICU, I spent the first few weeks sleeping in this chair in his room since the line from his oxygen tank wouldn’t stretch far enough for him to be in any other room.  I’ve stayed up in the chair with a sick baby propped up on my chest all night. And now I sit here as my kids try to gently snuggle with me and help bring me snacks.  This chair has seen a lot of pain but also a lot of recovery... a lot of hurt but a lot of love.  So. Much. Love. 

Day 28: Special Place

We have a few special places. First is what was supposed to be the twins' bedroom. I have a super comfy rocker that I got so I could rock both of them to sleep. I still feel like that is a very special place for the three of us. The other is up north on the lake that she was named after. I had so many visions of taking her up there. It has always been a very special place for our whole family which is why she was given that middle name. My parents also bought the babies a brick in the park up north. It is right beside my grandparents' brick. I believe she knows them well and they are taking great care of her. Of course, the other very special place is where she was buried. It's beautiful and I always feel close to her there.

Day 25: #SayItOutLoud

Losing a child is different from any other loss.  It's not the loss of good times or a wonderful past or present.  It's the loss of a future. It's the loss of your hopes and dreams. It is having your future in your hands and having it slip away. It is the loss of innocence. It is the brutal awakening that a healthy pregnancy does not mean you get a healthy baby. It is the loss of everything you thought you knew... Because parents are not supposed to bury their children.

Day 24: Artwork

The first is a beautiful piece of "art" that my dad made. He made me a special wooden box to keep Mary's things in. We had so many keepsakes and her hospital things that deserved a special home. The bottom photo is some of the wonderful drawings that Mary's cousins made for her. They are so special to us.

Day 23: Jewelry

I have a few wonderful pieces. First, my ring that has 2 emerald hearts on it (the babies' birth stone). It's beautiful and my parents gave it to me right after Mary passed away. I alternate between my 2 necklaces (depending on my mood). The first one "forever in my heart" with an "m" inside was given to me by my dear friend. I love wearing it. I also received a broken heart necklace with Mary's name on it from August Wings. The other necklace was given to me by my mom's cousins while we were still in the hospital. I like that it has the babies' birth stone and tiny footprints for each of them. There is also "faith" and "family" tags that share everything that is important to me.

Day 22: Words

These words continue to stick in my head. No matter what I do, "I carry your heart with me(I carry it in my heart)" are the truest words that I could ever say to Mary. Though she isn't here with me physically, my heart is full of love for her. "You are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you".

Day 21: Honor

I bought a ton of the "Mommy, Please Don't Cry" books since they brought us so much comfort. Knowing what we were given at the hospital when everything was so raw and unreal, I think this book would have been nice to receive. I wrote a special note and "in memory of our sweet girl, Mary Glen" in each of the books and gave them to the NICU to give to other parents who lose a child. I feel good knowing that Mary's memory will live on by bringing other people even a little comfort and peace that their little one is in such a wonderful place.

Day 20: Hope

I hope this gets easier. I hope we can learn to live with Mary in our hearts instead of in our arms. I hope we can keep her memory alive and make her proud. I hope no one else has to go through this. Unfortunately, I know it will happen so my hope is that they can receive the support needed to find the hope to get through this.

Day 19: Support

This has undoubtedly been the worst time in my life but I am thankful for the support of my family. My husband has been there to laugh with me, cry with me and share memories. The grief share emails have also been very helpful. I have found a tremendous amount of support from you ladies. Just knowing I'm not alone and can go to people who know what I'm going through has been so helpful!

Day 18: Release

Oh, so many feelings I need to release. Every day is a struggle getting past the hopelessness, fear, regret, jealousy, anger and guilt. The two that are probably most prominent are anger and guilt. I find myself constantly getting angry thinking, "why us?"! I hate that none of these feelings were ever on my mind 5.5 months ago.

Day 17: Time

It has been 168 Days, 6 hours and 16 minutes since we lost Mary. 14,537,760 seconds have passed and I have missed her in every single one. Some days it feels like just yesterday and other days it feels like an eternity since I last saw her/held her/kissed her.

Day 16: Seasons

Spring will always remind me of my Mary. The babies were born in early spring (although they were due in late summer). The day we came home from the hospital everything was in full bloom. Our tulips were up and our beautiful flowering tree was so pink! The world was full of so much color and beauty and life when we were not.

Day 15: Wave Of Light

Today is the day to create the wave of light across the world by everyone lighting a candle at 7pm for our angel babies.  It was hard, but I felt her. We talked to her and told her we missed her and watched the flame burn for an hour. God, I miss her so much! I don't want to have to light a candle for her, I want to hold her!

Day 14: Family

This is us now...just without my sweet Mary. I know these pictures should make me happy but I have such a heart-stopping reaction when I see them and remember that we have one little baby instead of two. When I see him, I think about how similar his twin sister would look right now and it continues to break my heart.

Day 13: Book

This book, "Mommy, Please Don't Cry" was given to me by my Pastor after he read it at Mary's funeral. He and his wife had lost a daughter years ago and said that it had helped them a lot. It's a beautiful book that talks about how wonderful heaven is from a child's perspective.

Day 12: Article

This article has helped me because failure is a constant feeling for me now.  This article really puts into words a lot of the thoughts that I have been struggling with and telling me "it's ok."

http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/06/why-you-didnt-fail-as-a-mother/

Day 11: Triggers

Most everything is a trigger nowadays.
Super pregnant women: because I never got to be.
Twins: It's so hard to see twins because I think about all that we are missing after all of our dreams of the two of them.
Princesses: because I know Mary would have loved them!
Girly things: all things bows and ruffles hurt so bad to see because I know she would have looked so cute and would always wear super Girly things.
Mommy/daughter things:  Even just seeing moms with their daughters hurts. I think of all those fun things that I was planning to do with my sweet girl.

Day 10: Beliefs

All of this has really forced me to question my beliefs...mostly "why?" And "how?".

Why us?

Why her?

How did God let this happen?

What remains true for me: God exists. Heaven exists. Mary is an angel in heaven watching over us and especially her brother. I used to picture her laying on her side with her head propped up on her hand eating an apple on top of Walter's isolette saying, "I got this, mom!". It brings me comfort to think Mary is with her great-grandparents and that we will get to see her again when we get there.

Day 9: Music

I always find a lot of comfort in music. It seems like even when I can't make sense of things, there is a song that says everything I need to say. 

This first song brings me comfort knowing that even though I can't right now, I will get to see Mary again.  Everything in this song is what I would want to say to her. 

"I will see you again. This is not where it ends. I'll carry you with me 'till I see you again." 

This song I used to sing to Mary when she was still in my belly. I also included lyrics from this song on the memorial cards I made for her funeral. 

"When the day is gray and ordinary, Mary makes the sun shine bright. Happiness is bloomin' all around her. The daffodils are smiling at the dove. When Mary holds your hand you feel so grand. Your heart starts beating like a big brass band."

Day 8: Color

I don't know why but after Mary passed away Kevin and I both pictured her in a yellow cardigan with pearl buttons and a Peter Pan collar.  She never wore this, but I think since we both had visions of her in this, that was her way of showing herself to us from heaven.