I wish there was some way to distinguish a fellow loss mother in public. There should be some sort of symbol, a badge if you will, to easily share with the world that, despite your smiling and happy demeanor, you are hurting inside. It would be sadly but proudly worn. It would symbolize the strength of a woman who has been through the worst kind of heartbreak, yet is still standing.
Ok, let me set the scene. I'm taking my son for a walk through the neighborhood and spot a cute young couple walking toward us about a block away. Of course, I play out in my head what they're thinking/talking about and it goes something like this
Wife: I love you!
Husband: I love you too!
Wife: Awwww, look...cute baby. I can't wait to have babies with you.
Husband: Me neither, let's have one!
Wife: ok, yay!
And naturally, I see the rest of their story play out. They go home and start trying and five weeks later... Positive pregnant test!
Just as I'm starting to get really annoyed, I see them see me and they quickly turn the corner. Hmmm.
Maybe the site of me walking around the neighborhood with a cute baby in tow hurt them. Maybe they've been trying to get pregnant for the last year or two. I just want to scream at them from afar, "We have tried for years to get pregnant and this one right here... is our surviving twin, my daughter died. I know pain!" Instantly, I flashed back to my feelings when I would see the same thing and I would've turned that corner so fast too. I don't know why but when I have worked so hard to make a baby (or two) seeing another family with a healthy little baby just feels like a punch in the gut. I imagine them getting pregnant on their honeymoon or worse yet... "Omg, we weren't even trying!". Barf.
Now having lost my much sought after, much loved and much desired daughter two days after she was born, seeing families with babies is like a double punch in the gut... And then a stab and twist with knife. The pain I feel when I see other people's happiness is embarrassing. I don't want to feel so awful, but I do believe that pain just comes with the territory of suffering through such an incredible heartbreak.
However, if I know a woman is part of this (awful, yet totally supportive) club known as bereaved motherhood, I would have such a warm heart at seeing her happiness with a healthy child in her arms. It just seems easier knowing that a woman "gets it", that she will never take one second with that child for granted, that she knows happiness through the pain, that she will always hold and kiss that baby as more than just one baby.
This life of a bereaved mother is one that I would never wish on anyone. It is more pain than should ever be allowed in any lifetime. However, when I know that someone else is unwillingly part of this life too, their happiness is my happiness.
So, there's my predicament. I don't know how to make the instant gut-punch subside when I see a woman with a baby (or super pregnant belly) unless, of course, she is wearing her badge of bereavement.
